Jazz is drifting through our home as the rain comes down outside. Today’s lunch was a sort of whipped up tomato-cream-sauce pasta, so I looked up “Italian cafe” on Spotify to set the mood. It’s making our home smell and sound much fancier than it is at the moment – I’m sporting open flannel with a tank top, maternity shorts, and athletic socks (which I may have slipped a pair of Birkenstocks over to go outside HA.)
But I’m in heaven. Is there anything better than summer rain and a good meal? Rooms lit by lamps in the middle of the day, skies darkened by swollen clouds and the promise to wash the pollen away. I can’t be the only one who suddenly gets pensive and wants to journal! Maybe my rainy day thoughts might click with you.
In the middle of my journaled prayer today, I wrote:
“Am I able to have a satisfying, profitable business that fits our needs? Sometimes I feel like it is all or nothing. I’m either pulled to be a driven, shining example of a rags-to-riches endeavor in entrepreneurship, or I am not meant to run a business after all. But what if I am okay with only a couple of satisfying projects a year?”
For those in the battle of trying to build a creative business – you and I have had advice thrown at us in every. SINGLE. direction. possible. For a long time I’ve felt embarrassed to say I don’t WANT my design business to be full time. Even before I became pregnant with Lenore, I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I have been so grateful that Madison is on board and able to support that. But most of the business-growing advice is so unrealistic for somebody with my ambitions.
Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places, but I see an absolute OBSESSION with “hustling”. To get where?! I do not know. I have NO problem with being wealthy (Madison and I are huge Dave Ramsey fans!). But it seems to me like there is no financial cap that dictates when you can quit the intense sacrifices in your time and relationships, and instead simply work honorably and enjoy life. Does that make sense?
I also have ZERO desire to be of influence on a large scale. In fact, I think local communities and neighbors are often ignored in a misguided desire to “reach the world”. Let me be more specific here. It is MUCH easier to feel like you are being of influence to somebody on social media, bearing your insecurities and unique characteristics, than it is to work at building real relationships with those around you. That’s because it’s much easier to find people who agree with you or praise you in the comment section when you’re fishing from a bigger pond.
I’m trying to type this and publish it before I re-read it and hate everything (it happens often) so forgive the choppiness. I suppose what I’m trying to say is when I picture my life, I picture something different than riches. Sure, Madison and I are working to build wealth (Dave Ramsey fan over here!), but neither of us are self-destructively ambitious. We don’t value the relentless sacrifice of relationships or simply enjoying life just for the sake of “making it big”. Of course sacrifice and delayed gratification are a healthy part of life, but not to that degree. I just want to use my gift honorably and profitably. If I can’t be content with where I am right now (a place I once never dreamed I would be!) then the future will hold no peace for me.
So here is to this new stage of motherhood I’m walking into this year. I’ll be doing my best to let go the guilt of not being a super-mom who also brings in a full-time salary, while also holding dear the gifts God has instructed me to use.
What a life.